SPEAKING THE SAME LANGUAGE?

There’s an avalanche of new coinages on the Internet today. My advice for learners of English is: know those nonce-words (most of them are just flashes-in-the-pan), but don’t idolize them. I’ve tried to demonstrate the absurdity of the jargonized English in an invented crammed story below.

2016-01-30slanguageSLANGQUILIBRISTICS OF 2DAY

It was nothing but a flightmare (1) – with a delay and a missed connection crowned with the baggravation (2) when Henry had to wait for his luggage for about an hour and a half. The airport was busy, though it was quite normal for a winterval (3). To make things worse, the baggage area was a nonspot (4). Henry was overwhelmed with web rage (4a) and had to wait until he could leave the area and go online. It was great, of course, to be a non-liner (5), as he had been when he was vacationeering at the end of the world, miles from nowhere. But, eventually, such isolation turns to be too much of a good thing, and Henry was looking forward to connecting with his e-quaintances (6) and all of the Manchester United fandom (7).

(1) Unpleasant air travel experience (2) A feeling of annoyance and frustration at the airport when your baggage has not arrived but the other passengers’ bags have (3) A festival that takes place in winter. (4)An area where there is slow Internet access or no connection at all. (4a) Anger or frustration as a result of difficulties or problems encountered when using the Internet. (5) Someone who rarely or never uses the Internet, usually because they cannot access it. (6) A person you know only through online networks. (7)The fans of a particular person, team, etc. regarded collectively as a community.

Earlier Henry was what they called a solopreneur (8), afterwards he got employed at a large company and started making a pretty penny. His friends even called him a HENRY (9)… However, that didn’t last long, and now he is funemployed (10) enjoying his permanent staycation (11), binge-watching (12) docusoaps (13), and guesstimating (14) his chances for employment. “I’m having Me-time (15)”, he said about himself. The other day his former colleague invited Henry to visit with him. The colleague spoke about his trip to Italy showing some selfies, and about the Italian cuisine (he is a locavore(16)), but those legsies (17) and foodmoirs  (18)were actually a kind of humblebragging (19) and in no way impactful (20) for Henry.  

(8) A person who is the owner of their business and runs it alone (9) high earner not rich yet .(10) Someone who enjoys not having a job because they have more time for leisure and fun activities. (11) A vacation in which you stay at home and relax or visit places close to where you live. (12) Watch multiple episodes of a TV programme in rapid succession. (13) a reality television programme in the style of a documentary. (14) A rough estimate without any claim of accuracy. (15) A period of time spent exclusively on yourself doing something that you enjoy and allows you to relax.(16) A person who only eats food produced locally.(17) A photograph taken by yourself of your suntanned legs to show that you are enjoying your holiday.(The sand and sea are usually visible in the picture.) (18) An account of someone’s life or personal experiences, with a strong emphasis on food, often including recipes and cookery advice.(19) To say something with apparent modesty but at the same time actually boast about an achievement. (20) Having a great impact or effect, or making a strong impression.

The baggage arrived at last. Henry took out the dumbphone (21) (his smartphone had been stolen: there were lots of applepickers (22) nowadays) and phoned his wife asking her to pick him up. He had no car at the moment: it had been frostjacked (23) shortly before Christmas (there were lots of carnappers (24) nowadays), so they were sharing Mary’s car now. It was a company car: Mary got a promotion at work, but her new position looked more like a glass cliff (25).

(21) An early model of a mobile phone with limited functionality. (22) Steal someone’s iPhone (23) Stealing a car on a cold day when the owner leaves the engine running to defrost the windows. (24) A person who steals a car. (25) Refers to a situation where women are selected for positions when there is a strong likelihood of failure.

When at home, Henry had his brinner (26) in the shabby-chic (27) kitchen and opened his netbook. Now he was going to netpick (28) some info. He didn’t suffer from infomania (29), he was just info-hungry. He belonged to the glorious netizens’ (30) fraternity and was just finishing a blook (31) , which required some binge-thinking (32). Maybe, some bookaholics (33) will buy the blook. The blook will be copylefted (34), and posted on a content farm (35), so it won’t infringe anybody’s copyright. He downloaded quite a number of apps. “Good thing that the software is laymanised (36)nowadays”, Henry thought. However, he had a big issue with passwords – a password fatigue (37), to be exact.

(26) A meal served in the evening consisting of food usually eaten at breakfast (eggs, bacon, sausages, pancakes, etc.). (27) Cottage-style decor achieved by using worn or “distressed” furniture and neutral-coloured fabrics, or new items suitably treated to appear old and look comfortable (28) to surf the internet looking for information in order to impress others with knowledge (29) Constantly checking and responding to email and text messages. (30) Blend of ‘internet’ and ‘citizen’. A person who spends an excessive amount of time on the internet. (31) A blend of ‘book’ and ‘blog’ :  a book written by a blogger. (32) Thinking excessively about a problem in a short period of time. (33) A compulsive book buyer or a prolific reader. (34) Opposite of copyright. Whereas copyright imposes restrictions on the distribution of a work or publication, copyleft eliminates restrictions and allows freedom of use for all. (35) A website that publishes large amounts of low-quality content, or content copied from elsewhere, in order to attract visitors and improve its search-engine rankings (36) To simplify technical information so that it can be understood by ordinary people or non-specialists. (37) Being tired of having to remember a large number of passwords for different electronic devises.

The book will be written in txtese, with elements of leet (1337). Henry is no n00b. he nos nglish! He luvs 2rite. Its ez nd 1drfl! cu asap. +u!

The book will be written in a language adapted for text messages, with elements of a language where numbers and symbols approximate the shape of letters. Henry is no newbie (no newcomer). He knows English! He loves to write. It’s easy and wonderful! See you and adieu!

HOWZAT!

Advertisements

Tags: , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: