SMILE PARADE

1. TASTE IRELAND 

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole-digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it – why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”
The hole-digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'”

 

What’s the difference between God and Bono?

God doesn’t wander around Dublin thinking he’s Bono.

 

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, “Are you on foot or in the car?”
Billy says, “In the car.”
Paddy says, “That’s the quickest way.”

 

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

“Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”

“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”

 

 

“Young man,” said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. “It’s alcohol and alcohol alone that’s responsible for your present sorry state!” “I’m glad to hear you say that,” replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. “Everybody else says it’s all my fault!”

 

 

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

 

You’ve got mail!!

 

John O’Byrne was mowing his front lawn, when his neighbor, Paddy Maguire, came out of his house and went straight to the mailbox. Paddy opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut and stormed back into his house. A little while later, Paddy came out again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily he went back into his house. As John was getting ready to edge the lawn, Paddy came out of his house again and marched straight over to the mailbox. Red with frustration he checked it a third time and slammed it closed, this time harder then ever. Puzzled by his neighbor’s actions, John inquired “Is something wrong?”. Paddy repled, “Ya, there certainly is, my stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!”

 

 

Primary school teacher: Tell me, Paddy. Do you say prayers before dinner? — Paddy: No, miss, I don’t have to. My mammy’s a good cook.

 

2. Some Newspaper Headlines

• Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted
• Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents
• Iraqi head seeks arms
• Prostitutes appeal to Pope
• Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
• President wins on budget, but more lies ahead
• Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
• Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
• Stolen painting found by tree
• Two ships collide, one dies
• 2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
• If strike isn’t settled quickly, it may last a while
• Enfield couple slain; Police suspect homicide

 

3.      HOW TO WRITE ENGLISH GOOD from the Casey Stengle School of Brooklynese (1) Just between you and I: case is important. (2) Don’t use no double negatives. (3) A preposition is something you should never end a sentence with. (or as Sir Winston Churchill once said; “This is the type of nonsense up with I will not put!”). (4) It is always good practice to never split infinitives. (5) Don’t write a run-on sentence you have to punctuate it. (6) When one is writing, it is important to maintain your point of view. (7) Proofread your work. Do not tolerate mispellings! (8) Watch out for irregular verbs which have croped into the language. (9) Don’t say the same thing more than once. It’s redundant and repetious. (10) You should be aware of the conditional case if you was to use it. (11) The smothering of verbs is a cause of the weakening of the sentence impact. (12) Avoid the utilization of enlarged words when shortened ones will do. (13) Make sure you hyp-henate properly. (14) Sentences should be written in the active voice when giving instructions, so that the subject of the action can be identified clearly. (15) Avoid the use of dyed-in-the-wool cliches. (16) The defacto use of foreign phrases vis-a-vis plain English in your written tete-a-tetes makes the sentence harder to understand.  (17) Each pronoun should agree with their antecedent. (18) It has come to our considered attention that in a large majority of cases, far too many people use a great deal more words than is absolutely necessary when engaged in the practice of writing sentences. (19) Be careful of dangling participles writing a paper.

Tags: humour, language and humour